Life with an eating disorder, or one governed by strict food rules and disordered eating, is rigid. For years, I was sure my “healthy eating plan” was the best and only way. I could not and would not consider anything else. I felt angry and targeted by anyone who dared to ask if I was okay. Of course, I was okay! I wanted to scream but didn’t because people-pleasing tendencies abounded. I would politely assure others I was just fine and that they had no need to worry about me. My mind was closed to any suggestions of change. I was stuck in patterns that were draining me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
When I hit rock bottom and was no longer able to continue with my so-called healthy lifestyle, I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed help and learn to humbly seek and ask for help. Like no other time in my life, God gently helped me realize I had so much to learn – about life, my body, food choices, relationships, etc. I had been blinded to my stubborn and self-centred ways of thinking. God provided gracious therapists, counsellors and coaches who helped me understand there was another way to live.
In last week’s post, I discussed humility. One aspect of humility is a teachable spirit. Exercising humility looked like seeking what I had yet to learn and discover about myself, God, and others rather than an assumption that I had life figured out. Humility looked like a willingness to embrace curiosity and readiness to learn and practice a different way of valuing food and my body. It was a willingness to let go of my way and follow the wisdom of others – trained professionals, trusted friends and above all, the wisdom of God’s Word (James 3:17). This teachable spirit could be best described as a change of desire at the heart level – not simply wanting to be right but to do what was right. This change of heart and desire didn’t happen overnight, but over time, as I, by faith, kept taking one “next-right-step” after the other.
With the support and encouragement of eating disorder professionals, I began to grow in my understanding and experience of life. For the first time in years, I started to see that life is about so much more than food! I began to see and understand how limiting the eating disorder’s rules had become and how my allegiance to them had left me stuck and hopeless. I started to grow – relationally, emotionally and spiritually. The tight box the eating disorder had crammed me into was being disassembled as I was able little by little to make life-giving choices.
I learned to accept and find joy in the fact that I am always learning and growing.
Always learning means I am not an expert, and that comes with a sigh of relief! I am not the one in control of everything and everyone. That is God’s role, and He alone is perfectly willing and able to do so! Always growing means I have room to expand my knowledge of how I relate to the world around me. Circumstances may change (and they often do), and I can embrace that change with courage instead of fear. Growth sometimes hurts, but it is a necessary and vital part of human flourishing.
All along, I had been pursuing a full life marked by freedom, peace, and joy. Aren’t those things we all want? That is the life I had always desired, but I was looking in all the wrong places and heading in the wrong direction. Satisfaction is never found in me doing better but in remembering who Jesus is and what He has already done for me (John 1:14; John 3:16,17).
And still today, I am – Always Learning, Always Growing.
We have the power to choose. If you are spiralling downward and can’t seem even to imagine a way out, please know you are not alone, and you are not too late. I understand these challenges and would be honoured to walk with you as you learn and grow in these areas. I help my clients understand the underlying roots of their struggle with food and their bodies. Together, we create realistic, personalized goals pursuing true, sustainable, heart-level change. To learn more about the services I offer, visit my website, https://www.space4grace.ca/.
To schedule a free consultation, Click Here or email info@space4grace.ca