We tend to think that once we feel better about our life circumstances, once we achieve that ideal body, we will overcome body image struggles. This is true of other challenges as well. I have heard this called the “if only – then” thinking. “If only” I had her life, “then” I would feel successful. “If only” I could lose this weight, “then” I would feel confident. “If only” my husband treated me differently, “then” I would feel worthy of love. These are just a few examples of how this way of thinking sounds, which I have heard or have believed myself in recovery from an eating disorder.
However, if we wait until we feel better or differently about our bodies or life circumstances, we will never begin to take steps toward healing in recovery from an eating disorder, disordered eating or any other mental health struggle. Living in the “if only” scenarios denies the reality of what is currently happening in your life. What if the “if only” you are hoping for doesn’t satisfy you or bring the contentment and confidence you hoped it might? In each of the “if only” scenarios above, we count on improved feelings (an emotional shift) to change the reality of our lives. While our feelings are valid and ought to be addressed, we must remember emotions are indicators – indicators of something deeper inside that we need to address. But when we allow our emotions to be dictators (call the shots and determine our actions), we will find ourselves on an endless roller coaster of highs and lows. And take it from me, that is a hard way to live!
Body shame and the negative self-talk that accompanies it seem to ramp up as soon as we try to challenge our food rules. The countless ads we see each day reinforce the lies we’ve been believing – You’re not enough, not acceptable. You’re too far gone! The chances of any of us waking up one day and “feeling” better about our bodies are small. No matter our size or shape, diet culture’s messages convince us we should be “better” in some way or another. Even supermodels struggle with body image issues – and they are the ones we are often trying to be like. The “super-skinny” goal, or whatever goal you are chasing that demands a specific size, shape or look, doesn’t address our core needs or lead to lasting, sustainable change.
So, how do we get past these feelings, eat adequately and consistently, and ultimately break the power of the eating disorder’s voice? I wish this were easy. I wish I could present a step-by-step plan for success that worked for everyone. Nope, that’s wishful thinking. Our bodies and minds are far too complex to have a one-size-fits-all method.
This quote from Rosaria Butterfield got me thinking – “We must obey in faith before we feel better or different.” To some extent, this is true in recovery from any mental health disorder or struggle. The path to healing never feels good. It is often challenging! This is true in physical healing as well. Anyone who has had physiotherapy after a broken bone knows those treatments do not feel good! But you continue to show up because you know the long-term benefits are worth the discomfort. You put your faith in the expertise of the physiotherapist that this will lead to complete healing. Likewise, in eating disorder treatment, you must show up and follow the instructions of the professionals God has placed in your life – even if their suggestions seem way too uncomfortable to you at the moment. Trust your professionals. Keep showing up. It’s the way to healing.
Regardless of our religious allegiances or even if we don’t claim religious ties, we all put our faith in something or someone. We may put our faith in a diet, healthy lifestyle, or this year’s ultimate workout plan. This can look like a million different things! But many of us, if we are honest, live in the “if only – then” paradigm.
In various ways, we all exercise some degree of faith. It may even be faith in our food rules driven mainly by fear. This fear keeps us stuck in the same cycles of restriction, obsessive thoughts about food, etc. We are choosing to believe the deceptive and never-satisfied voice of the eating disorder. However, faith in God – The One Who created you and knows how every cell of your body is held together; the LORD, Who loves you with everlasting, unconditional love – is choosing to believe that He is able to see you through the fears you face. It is believing that He is with you and for you (Ps 23:4; Ex 14:14).
The refreshing thing about living by faith in God is that the results are not up to me. Faith in God isn’t about religious allegiance but a relationship with a personal God who knows me fully and loves me unconditionally and forever (Ps 23, Ps 139:1-18). His love isn’t based on me being good or accomplishing anything. I don’t have to work harder, be better, produce more. I have only to surrender to His wise and loving hands of grace. Jesus has fully and perfectly accomplished the work of redemption! Those who put their faith in Him find true rest. The day-by-day challenges of life are still there (we live in a broken world), but oh, how much sweeter the days are when I depend on His faithfulness and not mine (Lam 3:21-24).
If this post resonates with you, and you want help and encouragement to walk away from “if only-then” thinking, please get in touch with me. To do so, simply fill out the Contact Form on my website. Click here to access the form. If you would like to meet me and ask your questions regarding my coaching practice, click here to book a free consultation.